Last week we went to see an incredible musical duo, husband and wife team, Johnny Swim. The songs, their voices, their dynamic. Totally amazing. Turns out, she is pregnant, which made the whole thing that much sweeter.
I had an epiphany as we were walking back to the car after the show:
I don't think I've had any "real" initiations in my life, big life events that signify a new direction, or a new phase. I mean, as a girl of course you have the entry into puberty, and then there's college, and first jobs, etc. But those experiences don't feel all so good to me in retrospect, and weren't marked with any consciousness. They sort of just happened.
I was married before my current husband, so my second marriage didn't feel like one. And I haven't birthed a child and become a mom, so I didn't have that as a significant initiation either.
I felt some sadness around this, in fact as I was sharing my thoughts with hubs I felt this wave of emotion and tears move from my feet to my head. But it wasn't a depressed feeling, and I know more light was getting in than darkness.
Then, I remembered a story that Elizabeth Gilbert shared on Super Soul Sunday, about a friend of hers who had never been married and felt that not having that wedding, and the ceremony that goes with it was something that left a hole in her life. She had a judgement about it, like "what was wrong with me because I didn't get married? I'm not a real woman" kind of thinking. So she decided to create a ceremony of sorts for herself, and I wish I could remember the details but I think she did something like create an altar in a little boat, with wedding trinkets and things, and let it sail off. She sent her old self off to sea. There was a grace about the whole thing, and I'm guessing it was just the closure she was needing, and at the same time an initiation into her next life phase.
I've been on the fence about getting a tattoo for years; the one image I always come back to, if I was going to get one is a Triskele - it's a Triple Spiral and represents the stages of a woman's life. Maiden, Mother (or Queen), Chrone.
If I have been willing to tattoo the stages of a woman's life, this woman's life, on my skin, then there must be something, someone in me who knows the significance of the stages of my own life, who honors who I am, who really does understand even though so often I'm asleep.
Maybe the tattoo could be my initiation, a calling for a reminder of the power of the stages of my life, a reminder, on my skin, forever.
But it's permanent, and hurts to have it done.
I'm thinking an initiation, although a statement and something that's sort of a timestamp, isn't really a forever thing. It's a gateway - and it's sort of liquid-y. And it doesn't have to hurt. It might hurt my heart, to release what's been taking up the space for so long in order for new beginnings to emerge. It might hurt my body as I release old judgements and feelings, especially since I often carry my emotions so deeply in my body.
And - I think the energy around an initiation is confidence and assuredness and faith, deep faith, despite the hurt, if any, we may be anticipating by the ceremony of it and despite us thinking we're initiating into a permanence.
I'm not sure, except that through this process, I've discovered that at any moment, I can change my own course, which means I'm always initiating myself.
Ahhh...
I'd still love to get the Triskele tattoo, though. If I do, I'll post it here for you to see :)
Ok, this is A LOT for a Tuesday morning. Onward.
In Love I Trust,
Laura xo
** On this particular week, unbeknownst to me until after the fact of multiple crazies, it was a full moon. I had doTerra Orange in big ball jars of water on every counter top, waiting for me to sniff and drink, I made tea infusions of lemon balm, red clover, went for walks when it wasn't raining, did Zumba and Yoga, visited with friends who reminded me of the real me, and set aside the time today to share my thoughts with you. **
