Identity Theft.

I spent this past week cleaning out the linen closet.

Our linen closet doesn't just have linen-y stuff in it; over the years it's become a filing cabinet. A really disorganized, hanging-on-to-who-knows-what-from-the-80's filing cabinet.

Knowing that the closet contained years and years of financial and career history within pounds and pounds of paper was making me crazy. So I pulled every last bit out.

Holy crap.

Since we don't have a shredder, I've been sitting on the floor, being a shredder, if you will. And as I've been sitting, shredding, reflecting on who I was in 1998, or where I was in 2001 when I paid that Verizon bill, the thought occurred to me -

The reason I am shredding papers is because there are people out there who will steal your identity. They'll just take your name and info and try and benefit somehow from it.

Immediately I became much older and judgmental in my thoughts:

"What, they don't have anything better to do than to steal my identity? Good God, Get a job!".

And then I wondered about stealing identities, and how perhaps I may have done that a few times in my life - not stealing really, more like trying on another person's life.

Ex: What would it be like to be Katy Perry? Hmm...

Or, a six-figure Executive?  Hmm...

Or a woman who is super confident and doesn't care what anyone thinks. (yes, I like this one in particular).

Then my pondering went further -

What about thinking we know another person? Is that like stealing someone's identity?

If someone subscribes to a certain political party, watches certain programming, or has a nose ring, or likes to wear suits, or steals gum from the Walgreens, or sunbathes naked, or believes a certain way about anything, or likes to spend or eat or sing a certain way - do we come up with our own identity stamp of who they are behind what they believe, do, say? Do we steal their identity away from them with our commentary, or ideas, or judgment placed on it?

I wonder about our world and I'm thinking it would be a much safer and sweeter place if we just kept our identities to ourself, and stop deciding who and what others are based on our own personal assumptions.

I suppose then the only thing left to steal would be savory moments from our own lives and enjoying the time we have left here. I can definitely identify with that.

Love in the form of Friday ponderings,
XO Laura.

*** In the wake of the Charleston, SC Church shootings, I send love & healing to the families and friends of those lost, and to the families and friends of the perpetrator. I trust in our Leadership and the people of the USA to always make choices that serve the betterment of all humans, and I hope I don't ever have to write "...in the wake of xyz tragedy..." ever again because it is just enough. Lots of water today, a quick run, and tonight, retail therapy. ***

Oh, the places I'll go.

Time and time again, I see the dance I dance and, dangit, it's crazy-making.

There's a jig I do. It's mine and mine alone. It's not always the fun, shake my bootie, life is glorious dance. It's often more like the merry-go-round kind, with awful music in the 100+ summertime heat.

Luckily as I age (not always gracefully), with each footstep and dance move, I'm perfecting my ability to tune in and see myself a little further from all the commotion. A little distance from the happenings.

Ahh...

This is a really good thing, to see a new way in, to choose a different place to lay the dance floor, to direct the stormfront a bit. With a little distance, the choices of things to say, feel, do in the moment seem a plenty.

Usually I choose to stay in my comfortable little old dances, though, as if something about the swirling dance party storm I'm creating is comforting, and safe.

When my dances turn into storms, maybe those storms are actually just what I need to catapult me into a new thought or space or place. Like, I am creating the storm for MY benefit. I can at least acknowledge what I've created, see it roaring over me with a wand, and a fire, and a wind of intention. Instead of the storms defining me, they can kick my ass so I can create a brand new dance move. Shake Shake Shake, Shake Shake Shake ...

If I let it take me up and out of the same ol same ol, I could land in a new idea or fairy-land place or clean crisp space or ANYTHING that is better than the repetitive nature of my actions, words, fear, or whatever drama I'm seeking to distract me from whatever good is right in front of me.

But Oh, the places I don't go. I often feel trapped by myself, in a container of my own making. I don't ride the storm, or see it as a way to uproot into a new way to be - I make it a definition of me, I make it a representation of the wrongs. Oh how I'd love to ride the storm like a cowgirl who knows this stuff ain't no thang.

There is always a choice of places to go. There's a sweet little me I can check in with when things get stormy; if I can split off from my not-so-blissed out self for a sec, locate the part of me who knows what is real, that part of me who remembers she created this storm to get herself uncomfortable and learn some things and grow into a more graceful, thankful dancer ... then, Oh, the places I'll go.

Love is the answer,
XO Laura.

*** summertime is here and I love coming alive w/ the sun. Eating more fruits & veggies, drinking less alcohol, jogging during the week. Lavender oil anywhere so I can smell it all day long because I am more often bunched up than not, and, choosing kindness and compassion - for myself and for those I love ***

Honestly.

I just re-read my last post.

My level of honesty got me feeling a little queasy. I wondered if I should delete some stuff, but then thought "how would we know that there are others like us out there if no one shares?" and "if I let all this crazy talk stay in my head, I might have a nervous breakdown". Or something like that.

There's not much I can do about it, the honesty thing. I've always been that way. I used to just blurt stuff out, at inopportune times. I suppose that's just a product of being young, or maybe I had some kind of social anxiety.  In any case, as I've gotten older, I've developed a keener sense of discernment, and censor when my insides tell me to, but I still try not to withhold too much, from others, and from myself.

Some more honesty with ourselves could be amazing - we would leave the job or relationship sooner, get back to the gym, apologize more quickly. More honesty could temper the world, dissolve some of the isolation so many of us feel. We might take the high road, be more mature, and look at the state of things, the real state of things and then know which direction to move. More honesty in religion and politics could solve things more quickly, bring us together, allow for a new level of accountability.

But so often, in so many areas, we withhold, and avoid, and just agree, and that can just lead to festerings and then we judge and get defensive and ... honestly, why do that?

A bonus is when you are honest, you can also become a good listener to others, and you begin to fine tune how you listen to yourself. Because you know, by being someone who shares, how important it is to be heard. Imagine a world filled with really good listeners, really hearing others, really being heard, really understanding ourselves. Oh the balance we'd create!

So I think I'll keep on noticing, sharing, listening for the timing of things. And see myself, and the world, as good and welcoming mouths & ears.

That's what I know for now, honestly.

in Love completely,
Laura xxoo

** Made a shake earlier with chia seeds and ground flax seeds. I think this will do my body good. Also drinking a ton of water because it's like a million degrees in Portland right now. **

Initiation.

Last week we went to see an incredible musical duo, husband and wife team, Johnny Swim. The songs, their voices, their dynamic. Totally amazing. Turns out, she is pregnant, which made the whole thing that much sweeter.

I had an epiphany as we were walking back to the car after the show:

I don't think I've had any "real" initiations in my life, big life events that signify a new direction, or a new phase. I mean, as a girl of course you have the entry into puberty, and then there's college, and first jobs, etc. But those experiences don't feel all so good to me in retrospect, and weren't marked with any consciousness. They sort of just happened.

I was married before my current husband, so my second marriage didn't feel like one. And I haven't birthed a child and become a mom, so I didn't have that as a significant initiation either.

I felt some sadness around this, in fact as I was sharing my thoughts with hubs I felt this wave of emotion and tears move from my feet to my head. But it wasn't a depressed feeling, and I know more light was getting in than darkness.

Then, I remembered a story that Elizabeth Gilbert shared on Super Soul Sunday, about a friend of hers who had never been married and felt that not having that wedding, and the ceremony that goes with it was something that left a hole in her life. She had a judgement about it, like "what was wrong with me because I didn't get married? I'm not a real woman" kind of thinking. So she decided to create a ceremony of sorts for herself, and I wish I could remember the details but I think she did something like create an altar in a little boat, with wedding trinkets and things, and let it sail off. She sent her old self off to sea. There was a grace about the whole thing, and I'm guessing it was just the closure she was needing, and at the same time an initiation into her next life phase.

I've been on the fence about getting a tattoo for years; the one image I always come back to, if I was going to get one is a Triskele - it's a Triple Spiral and represents the stages of a woman's life. Maiden, Mother (or Queen), Chrone.

If I have been willing to tattoo the stages of a woman's life, this woman's life, on my skin, then there must be something, someone in me who knows the significance of the stages of my own life, who honors who I am, who really does understand even though so often I'm asleep.

Maybe the tattoo could be my initiation, a calling for a reminder of the power of the stages of my life, a reminder, on my skin, forever.

But it's permanent, and hurts to have it done.

I'm thinking an initiation, although a statement and something that's sort of a timestamp, isn't really a forever thing. It's a gateway - and it's sort of liquid-y. And it doesn't have to hurt. It might hurt my heart, to release what's been taking up the space for so long in order for new beginnings to emerge. It might hurt my body as I release old judgements and feelings, especially since I often carry my emotions so deeply in my body.

And - I think the energy around an initiation is confidence and assuredness and faith, deep faith, despite the hurt, if any, we may be anticipating by the ceremony of it and despite us thinking we're initiating into a permanence.

I'm not sure, except that through this process, I've discovered that at any moment, I can change my own course, which means I'm always initiating myself.

Ahhh...

I'd still love to get the Triskele tattoo, though. If I do, I'll post it here for you to see :)

Ok, this is A LOT for a Tuesday morning. Onward.

In Love I Trust,
Laura xo


** On this particular week, unbeknownst to me until after the fact of multiple crazies, it was a full moon. I had doTerra Orange in big ball jars of water on every counter top, waiting for me to sniff and drink, I made tea infusions of lemon balm, red clover, went for walks when it wasn't raining, did Zumba and Yoga, visited with friends who reminded me of the real me, and set aside the time today to share my thoughts with you. **

This all means something.

Uncomfortable.

Tingling in my right arm. Feeling run down. Too much sitting, too much typing for other people.

Went Goodwill hunting, hoping to find a funky little item or two for a photo shoot this coming weekend. Found nothing, and left with those familiar itches I get when I shop there.

No sign of rain ceasing here for at least another week. Vitamin D and coffee and my eyelids are still saggy.

Period is late, will show up whenever it feels like it. A monthly reminder that I can still make a baby, but am entering into the next life phase.

Uncomfortable. 

Every last thing feels so small.

My promise to myself and everyone is that I will continue to live authentically, without apology, as this human woman who has moods, and feelings, and feels constricted and questions most everything.

Cheers to the new me, because when I am this uncomfortable that I can actually create a list about it?? Then I'm moved to chronicle it. 

This all means something.

Too much writing for others. I've known for a while that by working for other people I'm working for their dreams, not mine. Working for their dreams helps my dream of financial security, AND - you know what I mean. So the tingling - it's a reminder that I will be uncomfortable, physically, until I'm daring enough to say now is MY time. It's the right and perfect time for me to work for my dreams. Which is what I'm doing with this blog. Awesome!

Shopping for gently used clothes has been a true godsend for me these last few years. I've learned what types of styles, fits, colors & fabrics are right for me. I've learned to be grateful for what I have, not judge others and understand the value of money. But the truth is the clothes I buy used generally don't fit me right and, I don't want to be itchy any longer. When I walked out of Goodwill today, I made a decision. I told myself that from this day forward, I would begin shopping at department stores and only high-end consignment shops. Listening to my inner fashionista, woot!

Rainy rainy rain rain rain. Pacific NW. The rain makes it beautiful here. And temperate. And cozy. Here's the downside for me - I love to walk. I mean, LOVE. I love to be outside, active, breathing in the fresh air, connecting to the earth. I go to Zumba and Yoga, and when the sun breaks through I am out walking, and friends have told me I just need to outfit myself with the right clothing to stay dry and warm. Ok, yet, I would be lying if I said I didn't also feel prohibited by the weather here. Another place in the country (or world?) that will be a much better location match for how I'm built? New starts!

My monthly cycle. I'm on the other side of not becoming a mom. I've mourned, and I still mourn. Not becoming a mom doesn't come without regret. I'm also so grateful for my alone time and the space to nurture, heal, inspire myself. I also continue to learn to "mother" myself and others in new and different ways. So I'm beginning to change physically now but I'm healthy and nature is doing what it needs to do, and through this process I'm getting more deeply connected with myself, my feminine nature, my power. Beautiful, sacred me!

So -- today I stepped out with my tingles 'n cramps, into the rain, to drive to Goodwill then to Starbucks. 

But to my credit, before I left home, I consciously packed up my laptop because I was intending to write in this blog at Starbucks.

This all means something.

Despite the tingling arm, the rain, the crampy crankies (and later, the clothes shopping), I had an instinct, a knowing. I somehow felt confident, secure, alive and present to the fact that despite all these representations of "small" today (uncomfortable), that I am indeed growing into a bigger me and in order to be aligned with that bigger me, I needed to write all this down in a blog post. 

Maybe I'm more conscious than I thought.

I know this is real progress for me; I'm not allowing all this uncomfortable stuff to stop me from what life is calling forth now. I've already spent countless years being affected, annoyed, derailing myself and now, I'm seeing all the annoyances not even as distractions, but as signs on the road. Just signs saying "turn the other way" and "your work is done here" and "something else needs you now". 

Honest sharing of all that moves, changes, awakens me is part of my life's work. It's what calls me. After writing today, I feel woven, woven into the fabric of myself. So I suppose I'm now in that life expansion that was pushing me to feel uncomfortable today, compelling me to chronicle here all the annoyances while still being grateful and forward-thinking, and bringing to the surface the phrase: "This all means something". 

And how funny, the tingling? I just noticed, it's gone. :)

Love is the way,
xo lbb.

**Ways I supported myself through today's journey: drank Stash hibiscus tea, massaged doTerra On Guard on the back of my neck (also had two beadlets), chopped fresh ginger, lemon and honey & steeped in hot water, which I drank throughout the morning, deep breaths, and the wherewithal to come to Starbucks to write myself through what needed my attention.**

Me, all in one place.

Started the blog today!

It was born from years and years, and skads and skads of ideas and other blogs, and emotions, and break downs/throughs, but actually - 

This blog really started at the Facebook page I created of the same name, which was a place where I could offer insights and inspirations about nurturing, healing, inspiring, ourselves and others. 

And it was a place for me to support those words I shared with photos I had taken:

The original Nurture*Heal*Inspire

But today, I decided, through some conscious thought and probably more of spirit-within-saying-DO-IT! that the aforementioned Facebook page would now expand, into this blog. 

I think this is happening for so many reasons, from so many roads that have led me here, but - right now, this blog is happening because I'm not just a writer who loves to take photos and is compelled to support me and others, but I'm also - a singer, a pianist, a multi-dimensional healer and inspirer, a teacher and a student seeker who requires many ways to fill up, and grow.

It was called through me, this blog - a place where all of me could share the same space.  My instincts are saying it is so right, and it may very well be my thousandth idea.

All of me sharing the same space. It is the energy of wholeness, and most definitely, it is time for me to land.

Ok then, there will be more. Welcome aboard!

xo Laura.